Positively Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed again... but in a different way.

I have struggled unbelievably for about a month and I don't know if I would even be able to put into words why I've struggled. I've just kind of been a jerk. That's what it comes down to, really. I've been cold towads God - the one who has filled me with so much passion and restored me in so many areas of my life. I've started being so overly practical about every detail of my life that I became trapped in a state of aloneness, where I relied solely on my own intellect (God forbid!) to make all my decisions.

I went through a period of spiritual dryness, where prayer and Bible reading were duties and worship was difficult and I had no idea why. I felt unworthy. I knew I was cold. I knew there was a problem but I couldn't put my finger on it. I did not by any means wish to change my way of thinking, though I knew that my spirit was crying out for something more. I admit it was a big novelty for awhile, being overly practical about everything, weighing every decision in human terms and feeling a great deal more independent than I've felt at any other time in my life. I felt older. I wanted to really be a man, to show myself that I have what it takes to succeed in life.

But, as we all know (as I should know but somehow forgot), doing it all on my own left me feeling empty. Sure, I felt older... for about a minute... then I felt like a lost little boy in a strange place, panicked at the thought that I'd wandered away from my Father. I needed a hand to hold.

I went to church and struggled through the first couple of songs, wondering why I didn't love God as I should. I wondered why I couldn't just enter into His presence, wondered why I had forgotten how to truly worship. A thought suddenly crossed my mind - I wanted someone to pray for me (and yet I'd never been to this church - didn't know anyone), and not a minute later a time of personal ministry was called. I was shocked, horrified and conflicted. I told myself it was only a coincidence.

Coincidence or not, I couldn't resist the urge. I could not, despite all my efforts, shake the oppression I'd caused myself to feel. Slowly I sauntered to the front, angry with myself for being so ridiculous and doubtful that anything would be accomplished. At the same time, though, I earnestly begged God to do something for me because I couldn't do it on my own.

Two men came up and laid hands on me and they immediately recognized what I needed. They could sense in their spirits all of the troubles in my mind. I heard one of them whisper as he started praying, "He just wants to be loved." Then he stood in front of me and told me exactly what I'd been struggling with and why. The other man told me some other things that were also 100% accurate. Then the man who'd spoken first said he believed God wanted me to receive a hug if I was comfortable with that.

So, I hugged a complete stranger - but the funny thing is that it didn't seem that way. I knew he was sharing God's heart with me. I felt the love of God change me more instantaneously than I can remember ever happening in the past. I guess that God appears to us in different ways. He spoke to me through a common gesture that most humans use to communicate affection for each other. So simple, and yet so profound.

Then I worshipped. I stood at the front, a stranger in this congregation, singing and dancing without shame in the presence of the Lord.

Next time I looked in the mirror, I saw a different person. Some oppression really had been lifted from me and I recognized joy in my face that I hadn't seen previously. There was nothing fake about it. I wasn't smiling to see if I looked cheerful. I simply looked in the mirror and thought there was a remarkable change in my countenance that I couldn't produce if I tried. I saw that I'd met with Jesus once again and was being renewed.