Positively Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed again... but in a different way.

I have struggled unbelievably for about a month and I don't know if I would even be able to put into words why I've struggled. I've just kind of been a jerk. That's what it comes down to, really. I've been cold towads God - the one who has filled me with so much passion and restored me in so many areas of my life. I've started being so overly practical about every detail of my life that I became trapped in a state of aloneness, where I relied solely on my own intellect (God forbid!) to make all my decisions.

I went through a period of spiritual dryness, where prayer and Bible reading were duties and worship was difficult and I had no idea why. I felt unworthy. I knew I was cold. I knew there was a problem but I couldn't put my finger on it. I did not by any means wish to change my way of thinking, though I knew that my spirit was crying out for something more. I admit it was a big novelty for awhile, being overly practical about everything, weighing every decision in human terms and feeling a great deal more independent than I've felt at any other time in my life. I felt older. I wanted to really be a man, to show myself that I have what it takes to succeed in life.

But, as we all know (as I should know but somehow forgot), doing it all on my own left me feeling empty. Sure, I felt older... for about a minute... then I felt like a lost little boy in a strange place, panicked at the thought that I'd wandered away from my Father. I needed a hand to hold.

I went to church and struggled through the first couple of songs, wondering why I didn't love God as I should. I wondered why I couldn't just enter into His presence, wondered why I had forgotten how to truly worship. A thought suddenly crossed my mind - I wanted someone to pray for me (and yet I'd never been to this church - didn't know anyone), and not a minute later a time of personal ministry was called. I was shocked, horrified and conflicted. I told myself it was only a coincidence.

Coincidence or not, I couldn't resist the urge. I could not, despite all my efforts, shake the oppression I'd caused myself to feel. Slowly I sauntered to the front, angry with myself for being so ridiculous and doubtful that anything would be accomplished. At the same time, though, I earnestly begged God to do something for me because I couldn't do it on my own.

Two men came up and laid hands on me and they immediately recognized what I needed. They could sense in their spirits all of the troubles in my mind. I heard one of them whisper as he started praying, "He just wants to be loved." Then he stood in front of me and told me exactly what I'd been struggling with and why. The other man told me some other things that were also 100% accurate. Then the man who'd spoken first said he believed God wanted me to receive a hug if I was comfortable with that.

So, I hugged a complete stranger - but the funny thing is that it didn't seem that way. I knew he was sharing God's heart with me. I felt the love of God change me more instantaneously than I can remember ever happening in the past. I guess that God appears to us in different ways. He spoke to me through a common gesture that most humans use to communicate affection for each other. So simple, and yet so profound.

Then I worshipped. I stood at the front, a stranger in this congregation, singing and dancing without shame in the presence of the Lord.

Next time I looked in the mirror, I saw a different person. Some oppression really had been lifted from me and I recognized joy in my face that I hadn't seen previously. There was nothing fake about it. I wasn't smiling to see if I looked cheerful. I simply looked in the mirror and thought there was a remarkable change in my countenance that I couldn't produce if I tried. I saw that I'd met with Jesus once again and was being renewed.

Overwhelmed

I find that change can be overwhelming... every single time. You'd think a person like me would get used to change after the 15th move or something like that. Anyway, I'm happy to be in a new city, happy to be living on my own again and supporting myself. I didn't know what to expect when I came to Kitchener, but I've decided that I'm really going to like it - it's necessity as much as the city itself that made me decide to like it.

As much as I like it here, though, there's so much to do. The first few days have gotten away from me so quickly I can hardly believe it. But at the same time, I think I've really accomplished some things. For example, I walked a lot and got familiar with my area as well as downtown... and on my travels I found an employment agency and I already have a full-time job. I got a bus pass, I picked up a lot of things for my place, including a bar fridge and microwave. I brought the appliances home in a handi-cab which charged me a lot extra just because I had those items, even though I was able to easily lift them by myself. I unpacked my beautiful stainless steel fridge and was horrified to find that the stainless steel is so damaged it looks like crumpled tin foil.

I went to the Superstore (same place that sold me the tin foil fridge) to buy a few things today and kept going in circles and getting lost and not finding what I needed. I'd walk for a mile and see nothing but pop and chips when I was looking for tea towels. Then I tried to buy cereal and it was an endless wall of colorful boxes - I've seen grocery stores with the same shelf space as that cereal aisle. I got looking at sweaters and dress shirts for work and forgot that I had frozen food melting in my basket. I went into the pharmacy section of the store to look at medicated shampoo for scalp problems. Beside the shampoo was some sort of medicated lotion or something that was stronger than the shampoo - I was curious to know how it was used. On the back, it said 'see interior for complete directions'. At this point, I was tired of shopping and didn't feel like figuring out how I was going to look at the interior of an opaque plastic bottle. I put it down and walked away. I paid for my groceries. I'm tired and I still own a tin foil fridge. So ends my first week in Kitchener.