writingtothinkthroughjunk...

I love this time of year. It's so great to look out the window and see everything covered in snow, the lake starting to freeze. I love the full moon because there's so much light when the sun has gone down. I love so much about winter and yet I don't feel like being outside. Maybe the problem is that I have nothing to do. I have no one to do anything with. I'm not actually complaining because I know this is just a season of my life... but it's starting to weigh on me. It's been a very long season of my life.

I know that if I had made better choices I wouldn't be so alone right now. Things could have been so much better, and yet there are many things I've learned that I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm at a really good place in my life now... a good starting point I guess. I feel like I've finally accomplished something important, something I've known I needed for a very long time. I'm free. I'm no longer plagued be addiction and severe depression. And now that I'm free and ready to live my life, so many questions come up.

What now? Where do I fit? What's my purpose? Do I still have what it takes to go where I want to go? What's the price I'll pay for my mistakes? Do I have the brains I need for what I want to learn?

I think I'm scared. I'm scared of what I've done to myself, although I know God can change anything. God can heal anything. He can use my life. I guess my biggest fear is that I think I'm smarter than I actually am.

But as I sit here thinking about it I realize that it's all useless worrying. I know I'm able to do what I need to do. I know God is bigger than all of this stuff and that I can't beat myself up over the past. I should be proud of what I've accomplished. Although I never should have become an alcoholic, quitting is still an accomplishment. I think back over the last couple years. I kept trying to give everything up but I could never go more than a couple months without cigarettes or weed... and a couple weeks without alcohol. Now I'm free from ALL OF IT. Some days I crave cigarettes and weed like mad! But I don't want them because I want to continue being free. It's really a new level of freedom for me and it's incredible to think about it.

I really look forward to school this January. For me 2007 has been all about my personal struggles and I think the new year will bring a more outward focus. I'm tired of worrying about myself. I want to be concerned with making a difference in the world, even a little bit at a time. One life at a time... or even one moment in one person's life at a time. I don't expect to change the world... I just want to be as much of a blessing to others as I can be. I'm so thankful that there are new things happening, I'm thankful that life can be really exciting!

I'm thankful for so many people in my life, the ones who have been there for years, and while they may not have always been around they've had a place in my heart. I am truly blessed by old friends who are always glad to talk again, even if it's been years. We meet so many great people in our lives it's impossible to stay in touch with each one... but so many people I don't stay in touch with are so special to me. Some of them I won't see again in this life. Some of them I will. But all of them make a difference to me.

Wow... I'm glad thinking through stuff turned out to be more positive than it started out. I feel better... now I'm going to talk to the one amazing friend who is and always will be there for me. He deserves so much more time than I give Him. He's given me more than I could possibly ask.