The Treacherous and Beautiful Adventure

Sometimes life doesn't really feel like an adventure and I start to wonder why I gave my blog the name I did. Then all kinds of life changes happen and when I finally get back to blogging, I remember why. Life truly is an adventure... an adventure that is totally involuntary, one that we're on whether we want to be on it or not.

I've recently been on a truly unexpected journey that has brought me to a place in my life that I never expected when the journey began. My move to a new city was very difficult, as I had to deal with the anxiety of adjusting to city life (country boy that I am). For the past few years I've been in the habit of running away every few months because I haven't been able to develop any kind of contentment anywhere I go. I always feel that I need something new and exciting and that I need to make all kinds of elaborate plans for my future. I've recently discovered the error in that.

I currently work as a fundraiser for charity, and have no plans for school. I joined AA (to be very non-anonymous about it) and have been really blessed by that. The process of getting where I am was very long and painful. I wasn't at all satisfied with my jobs or my living situation and I was drinking again. For a long time, I didn't meet anyone in this city and I found it difficult to imagine staying here. I couldn't make sense of my life here and began doubting that there was any reason I'd sensed I should make this move as opposed to other options I considered.

When I was hired as a fundraiser five weeks ago, I was terrified and I tried to quit. However, one of the supervisors saw the flaw in my plan to find a less scary job, and convinced me that I should step out of my comfort zone. So, that's what I did. I stepped out with confidence (if only feigned confidence to begin with), and the result was that I became truly excited about my life, I met many amazing people that I could really connect with and whose company I enjoyed, and I began to grow in so many ways. A week after this job started, I met another alcoholic who took me to my first AA meeting, and instantly my fear of giving up alcohol disappeared. I knew there would never be a good time, and it just simply had to happen.

The result of this new adventure is that I've developed a new level of contentment. I don't feel the need to define myself by a career I intend to pursue in the future, or the program of study I might choose. When asked if I'm a student, the answer is simply, "No. I'm a fundraiser," as opposed to, "Hopefully in the near future". The reason is that I need to be true to myself and live in the present. I am currently not pursuing any course of study or preparing for a certain career. I am simply a man who works at a job I enjoy, has great friends and is appreciating what each day brings. I cannot, at this time in my life, add to today the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow (some AA wisdom), and for now, my greatest desire is to notice the blessings of every moment and to peacefully overcome the challenges of each moment, regretting and holding onto nothing, but always moving forward with a positive attitude, confidence and joy.

Positively Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed again... but in a different way.

I have struggled unbelievably for about a month and I don't know if I would even be able to put into words why I've struggled. I've just kind of been a jerk. That's what it comes down to, really. I've been cold towads God - the one who has filled me with so much passion and restored me in so many areas of my life. I've started being so overly practical about every detail of my life that I became trapped in a state of aloneness, where I relied solely on my own intellect (God forbid!) to make all my decisions.

I went through a period of spiritual dryness, where prayer and Bible reading were duties and worship was difficult and I had no idea why. I felt unworthy. I knew I was cold. I knew there was a problem but I couldn't put my finger on it. I did not by any means wish to change my way of thinking, though I knew that my spirit was crying out for something more. I admit it was a big novelty for awhile, being overly practical about everything, weighing every decision in human terms and feeling a great deal more independent than I've felt at any other time in my life. I felt older. I wanted to really be a man, to show myself that I have what it takes to succeed in life.

But, as we all know (as I should know but somehow forgot), doing it all on my own left me feeling empty. Sure, I felt older... for about a minute... then I felt like a lost little boy in a strange place, panicked at the thought that I'd wandered away from my Father. I needed a hand to hold.

I went to church and struggled through the first couple of songs, wondering why I didn't love God as I should. I wondered why I couldn't just enter into His presence, wondered why I had forgotten how to truly worship. A thought suddenly crossed my mind - I wanted someone to pray for me (and yet I'd never been to this church - didn't know anyone), and not a minute later a time of personal ministry was called. I was shocked, horrified and conflicted. I told myself it was only a coincidence.

Coincidence or not, I couldn't resist the urge. I could not, despite all my efforts, shake the oppression I'd caused myself to feel. Slowly I sauntered to the front, angry with myself for being so ridiculous and doubtful that anything would be accomplished. At the same time, though, I earnestly begged God to do something for me because I couldn't do it on my own.

Two men came up and laid hands on me and they immediately recognized what I needed. They could sense in their spirits all of the troubles in my mind. I heard one of them whisper as he started praying, "He just wants to be loved." Then he stood in front of me and told me exactly what I'd been struggling with and why. The other man told me some other things that were also 100% accurate. Then the man who'd spoken first said he believed God wanted me to receive a hug if I was comfortable with that.

So, I hugged a complete stranger - but the funny thing is that it didn't seem that way. I knew he was sharing God's heart with me. I felt the love of God change me more instantaneously than I can remember ever happening in the past. I guess that God appears to us in different ways. He spoke to me through a common gesture that most humans use to communicate affection for each other. So simple, and yet so profound.

Then I worshipped. I stood at the front, a stranger in this congregation, singing and dancing without shame in the presence of the Lord.

Next time I looked in the mirror, I saw a different person. Some oppression really had been lifted from me and I recognized joy in my face that I hadn't seen previously. There was nothing fake about it. I wasn't smiling to see if I looked cheerful. I simply looked in the mirror and thought there was a remarkable change in my countenance that I couldn't produce if I tried. I saw that I'd met with Jesus once again and was being renewed.

Overwhelmed

I find that change can be overwhelming... every single time. You'd think a person like me would get used to change after the 15th move or something like that. Anyway, I'm happy to be in a new city, happy to be living on my own again and supporting myself. I didn't know what to expect when I came to Kitchener, but I've decided that I'm really going to like it - it's necessity as much as the city itself that made me decide to like it.

As much as I like it here, though, there's so much to do. The first few days have gotten away from me so quickly I can hardly believe it. But at the same time, I think I've really accomplished some things. For example, I walked a lot and got familiar with my area as well as downtown... and on my travels I found an employment agency and I already have a full-time job. I got a bus pass, I picked up a lot of things for my place, including a bar fridge and microwave. I brought the appliances home in a handi-cab which charged me a lot extra just because I had those items, even though I was able to easily lift them by myself. I unpacked my beautiful stainless steel fridge and was horrified to find that the stainless steel is so damaged it looks like crumpled tin foil.

I went to the Superstore (same place that sold me the tin foil fridge) to buy a few things today and kept going in circles and getting lost and not finding what I needed. I'd walk for a mile and see nothing but pop and chips when I was looking for tea towels. Then I tried to buy cereal and it was an endless wall of colorful boxes - I've seen grocery stores with the same shelf space as that cereal aisle. I got looking at sweaters and dress shirts for work and forgot that I had frozen food melting in my basket. I went into the pharmacy section of the store to look at medicated shampoo for scalp problems. Beside the shampoo was some sort of medicated lotion or something that was stronger than the shampoo - I was curious to know how it was used. On the back, it said 'see interior for complete directions'. At this point, I was tired of shopping and didn't feel like figuring out how I was going to look at the interior of an opaque plastic bottle. I put it down and walked away. I paid for my groceries. I'm tired and I still own a tin foil fridge. So ends my first week in Kitchener.

writingtothinkthroughjunk...

I love this time of year. It's so great to look out the window and see everything covered in snow, the lake starting to freeze. I love the full moon because there's so much light when the sun has gone down. I love so much about winter and yet I don't feel like being outside. Maybe the problem is that I have nothing to do. I have no one to do anything with. I'm not actually complaining because I know this is just a season of my life... but it's starting to weigh on me. It's been a very long season of my life.

I know that if I had made better choices I wouldn't be so alone right now. Things could have been so much better, and yet there are many things I've learned that I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm at a really good place in my life now... a good starting point I guess. I feel like I've finally accomplished something important, something I've known I needed for a very long time. I'm free. I'm no longer plagued be addiction and severe depression. And now that I'm free and ready to live my life, so many questions come up.

What now? Where do I fit? What's my purpose? Do I still have what it takes to go where I want to go? What's the price I'll pay for my mistakes? Do I have the brains I need for what I want to learn?

I think I'm scared. I'm scared of what I've done to myself, although I know God can change anything. God can heal anything. He can use my life. I guess my biggest fear is that I think I'm smarter than I actually am.

But as I sit here thinking about it I realize that it's all useless worrying. I know I'm able to do what I need to do. I know God is bigger than all of this stuff and that I can't beat myself up over the past. I should be proud of what I've accomplished. Although I never should have become an alcoholic, quitting is still an accomplishment. I think back over the last couple years. I kept trying to give everything up but I could never go more than a couple months without cigarettes or weed... and a couple weeks without alcohol. Now I'm free from ALL OF IT. Some days I crave cigarettes and weed like mad! But I don't want them because I want to continue being free. It's really a new level of freedom for me and it's incredible to think about it.

I really look forward to school this January. For me 2007 has been all about my personal struggles and I think the new year will bring a more outward focus. I'm tired of worrying about myself. I want to be concerned with making a difference in the world, even a little bit at a time. One life at a time... or even one moment in one person's life at a time. I don't expect to change the world... I just want to be as much of a blessing to others as I can be. I'm so thankful that there are new things happening, I'm thankful that life can be really exciting!

I'm thankful for so many people in my life, the ones who have been there for years, and while they may not have always been around they've had a place in my heart. I am truly blessed by old friends who are always glad to talk again, even if it's been years. We meet so many great people in our lives it's impossible to stay in touch with each one... but so many people I don't stay in touch with are so special to me. Some of them I won't see again in this life. Some of them I will. But all of them make a difference to me.

Wow... I'm glad thinking through stuff turned out to be more positive than it started out. I feel better... now I'm going to talk to the one amazing friend who is and always will be there for me. He deserves so much more time than I give Him. He's given me more than I could possibly ask.

Count Your Blessings, Not Your Problems

Life is amazingly simple and beautiful.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking life is really complicated and stressful. But as I'm learning more and more all the time about how to be peaceful through everything, I've had some awesome moments of being able to just step back and think of how small my worries really are, and how when I look at the bigger picture, I love my life. As I remember saying in a previous post, I don't think my life is better than anyone else's. I think I love my life because I choose to.

I have to be honest and say that I have trouble with my job. Although I work with some friends and I'm very thankful to be working with them... and there are many other things about my job I can be thankful for, there are many other things I'd rather be doing. I'm very bored at work and I count down the weeks until Christmas because I only work at this job until then. However, in the monotony of what I'm doing right now, I think I'm learning a lot and being blessed in many ways.

For the first time ever, I'm budgeting every week. I'm paying off all my debts, saving money for school, putting money into an RRSP, still have more money left over than I expect and I'm so baffled by this experience because I've never been good with money. But I trusted God, and knew that if I would just be patient He would help me to get my life in order, and that it would even better than before I ruined everything because of my substance abuse. Now, just 2 months after going back to work, my finances are in order and I've applied for college again. I'm practicing piano, writing music, I've decided to continue with Royal Conservatory, I'm feeling peaceful, the list goes on... and I don't remember ever feeling so emotionally stable.

So, I guess it's true that good things come to those who wait, but I always feel like it's more than that. Somehow I think good things come to those who choose to see the good in their lives. We should count our blessings, not our problems. Blessings and problems both come and go, and we can learn from both. But we can learn the wrong things from problems if we don't count our blessings.

Letting Go

Normally I won't say what I'm about to say because if I made a habit of it, it would never end... but this time I need to make an exception. I just read a book that I highly recommend for everyone if you haven't read it already - The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. Incredible! I'm a pretty extreme book lover, and that's why I don't recommend all my books to everyone; I restrain myself so I don't start to annoy people with my recommendations.

Anyway, The Great Divorce is short and a very easy read (I say that because not everyone likes reading). But I really believe this book can be life changing. Well, at least attitude-changing. I suppose life-changing is a relative term anyway. My life is always changing and I hope that never stops... I also hope it's always changing for the better, little by little (and sometimes by leaps and bounds, God willing) until I get to heaven.

I never really thought much about how difficult it is for us to let go of ourselves, but this week I'm really getting a better sense of that and learning to recognize thought patterns that are unhealthy. Nothing I can say about what I've learned from C.S. Lewis will really do his book any justice... but I'm really finding a lot of freedom in the thought that nothing we have, and nothing about ourselves really means anything in comparison with the joy of the Lord. There's a real beauty in dying to ourselves.

As Christians we hear so much about dying to ourselves, but it means much more than what we sometimes think. It's not so simple. It means every thought, every attitude, every speck of everything about ourselves we think we need. In a free country, we are so concerned about our rights, our freedom, our individuality and so on. We want to stand out from the crowd, be unique, and we sometimes won't do the right thing because we "have too much self-respect" - just remember, Jesus washed the disciples' feet! The thought of Jesus doing that really puts a lot of us to shame with all our pride and our ideas of self-respect.
Yes, God has given us each a unique personality, but we don't have to try so hard - we don't need to be focused on who we are or the respect we deserve. When we learn to die to ourselves, take up our crosses and humbly follow Jesus, we give him permission to turn our lives and our personalities into something more beautiful than we could have imagined.

When we won't let go of ourselves for the sake of Christ, whatever part of us we insist on keeping eventually turns into something ugly. It contaminates us. C.S Lewis demonstrates in one very memorable part of his book how even love can become ugly if we won't surrender it to God, and make Him the most important part of our lives. If anyone comes before Him, then we do not allow ourselves to truly love. Real love comes from God. Without Him being first in our lives, we don't fully understand the concept.

Anything eternal comes from God. So many things that are so important to us now are going to vanish when we go home to be with God and I think that the more we let go of ourselves now, the more we will have of heaven and the less we will have of hell.

There's a line from a song by Jack Johnson that's been going through my head a lot. He didn't mean exactly the same thing because he was talking about his views of the impact TV has on society - but I feel like it's along the same lines. In this song he said, "If hell is what we want, then hell is what we'll have".

Victory in Jesus

As a person who has struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder (which I like to think of as a "type" not a "disorder"), I often struggle in my spiritual life as well, as I'm sure we all do in different ways. There are times when I think there is something seriously wrong, only to find out later when I think and pray about it that it was only a bad mood that I needed to wilfully change. This is something I'm learning to deal with, and I thank God that the worst of the struggle is over. The Lord has brought me through so much and has taught me how to deal with the psychological issues I've suffered with, and it's really amazing when I think of what would happen to me and how poorly I'd be dealing with my issues if it weren't for Him. Somehow I live a relatively normal life, without the help of medication or psychiatrists (two things that can do more harm than good).
Recently I started working, and work can cause a lot of anxiety for me. I do enjoy my job, but I tend to worry about time... even on weekends, the thought of having a certain amount of time before I have to go back to work can cause anxiety. This is probably very difficult to understand, so I won't try to explain further... I'll go on with my story.
So, on the weekend (after my first week back at work) I was having an awful time with my moods, and didn't go to my newphew's birthday party because I just wanted to be alone to sort things out (but also thinking about how much time I had)... so I stayed home and eventually decided to face whatever it was that was bothering me so much. This was sunday afternoon and all weekend I had thought there was something terribly wrong. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head all of a sudden about being a terrible person and about being an addict, and I had a lot of fear that I would end up wanting to go back to my old lifestyle and that sort of thing... again, wild thought processes that I barely understand myself, so I can't really explain.
I prayed a lot that day. I was at the point where I was determined to do something about my mood before I became self-destructive. And while I was in prayer, I sensed that the Lord was speaking to me about my mental turmoil... and he was saying that all I had to do was claim victory in His name. I never would have thought it was that simple, but as soon as God revealed this to me, I believed it and I claimed victory. It really was that simple. It just isn't God's will for me to feel the way I was feeling, and if I am willing to change the way I'm thinking, he'll always help me.
So, as simplistic as it may sound... I've decided to start claiming victory over ever negative thought, "taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ". (2 Cor. 10:5)
That day I claimed victory over all my negative thoughts and the change that immediately took place in me was miraculous. I haven't felt so much joy in a long time.
It definitely takes a lot of effort sometimes when we struggle with negativity, but God doesn't want us to stay in that kind of mindset. It is definitely possible to change. PRAISE GOD!

Between the Lines

When you're always trying to read between the lines, too often you miss what's on the lines.

So often we get caught between the lines, reading imaginary words, causing us to miss what's really there and to worry about what may or may not be there.

How often when speaking to others do we purposely put things between the lines? I wish I didn't do that. If I never did that, people who know me well would always take my words at face value. I believe that by the grace of God it's possible... but it's not easy. I do write between the lines and I do read between the lines.

I'm tired of being between the lines.

Love Like a Child

So, I'm thinking about love today... and yesterday... well, probably for a few days. I don't know, but that's what's on my mind and I realize that's just something that is fundamental to the Christian faith, but I think it's something we have a hard time with. I can't speak for everyone, but I'm not naturally a loving person. It takes effort. But I used to be really loving...

... Then I grew up. Why does that always have to happen? Anyway, society taught me some very sad lessons:
1. Not everyone is good.
2. Not everyone deserves kindness.
3. If you're really poor and you're not a university student, you're worthless.

Then I grew up some more and realized I still want to love people. I want to believe that everyone deserves kindness. Jesus didn't stick his nose in the air if he was approached by a beggar or a prostitute or a murderer. He healed them, he loved them and he forgave them.

When Jesus told the disciples to let the children come to him he said, "the kingdom of God belongs to such as these" then he went on to say that we need to receive the kingdom of God like children. We speak of 'faith like a child', and I'm sure that's part of it. But what about loving like children? I think the love of children is a pure and innocent love that doesn't judge. My heart breaks when I think of all the people who are not shown love by Christians because they're just 'not good people'. And we act as if civility is good enough... Let's give people more credit than that! If we are just civil because we don't want to show our disdain, we are doing wrong. Anyone can detect when you have an air of superiority, and it's highly offensive. Don't think manners can mask it.

In Bible college, I got talking to some people about this one day, and one of my friends said she'd have trouble showing love to a murderer... but she wasn't saying it like it was a confession. It wasn't like, "I have trouble with this and I know it's wrong". It was more like, "That's where I draw the line." And I was so saddened by it. I've never forgotten that moment because this girl I really respected for her deep faith in Jesus was forgetting how deep his love is! Maybe it really hit me because I'd just read Crime and Punishment. I know I am also guilty of forgetting how deep the love of God is.

I've been really heartbroken lately over things I've read about other places in the world. There is so much need, and it's more than just the fact that people are poor and starving. There's so much hate in the world, and I want no part of it except to help people see that there's a better way. But as I think about it now, I'm thinking of all the need in our own country, and all the people I saw when I lived in the city who need love. I never stop and talk to people who are begging on the street. How much difference does a bit of change make? A lot of them spend it on things that are killing them. But I wonder if I could make a difference in someone's life by stopping for a couple minutes and having a conversation. I wonder what could happen if each time I stop to give someone change I also treat them with the respect they deserve as human beings, so they know that I don't think I'm above them, even so that I understand I'm not above them. ... I want to be like Jesus and act like I'm just another person in their midst.

But I'm not Jesus - How is it that I act like I'm better than others, and HE didn't??? If only I could fully grasp the concept that I am just another person in the midst of all others who deserve love...

... Let's love like children. Let's love like we mean it!

Things are happening...

I haven't posted anything for awhile because for some reason I keep thinking I have nothing to say... so tonight I decided I'm going to write something anyway.

I've had a busy and interesting week, full of all kinds of art and music. I'm writing music again which is amazing. I love writing music, but it seems that apart from God, I can't do it. I just don't feel like writing anything. Now that I'm making an effort to seek the Lord every day, I'm more inspired to play and write music.

Again, God is really good! If you read my last post, you kind of have an idea of what's been going on in my life and how the Lord's been telling me to stop feeling like nothing and be happy with whatever's going on.

Well, I got a call yesterday from a friend who lives around the corner and has a business installing windows. I've worked for him twice in the past, and didn't want to ask for a job again because I had a rough time last year and kind of let him down on a few occasions. But he asked me to go back, and I feel like the timing is pefect. I've been home for a month, and I think I'm really making progress with learning to be content... now I'm just getting bored. I'm going to have to learn to manage my time better, because I do want to be very productive with my creative abilities, but I also really want to work.

I have a lot (this is the part I want to emphasize)... A LOT... of debt that's gotten out of hand, and I've never really managed my money well. Someone from the bank called me last week and asked me to come in and talk to him about saving and rebuilding credit. My appointment was yesterday. I almost cancelled because I didn't feel like talking to someone about savings when I don't have any to save right now. But I decided that I should go, to at least discuss what I can do in the future. It was about 20 minutes before my appointment that I got a call about the job. So I went into the bank and was able to say I'm going back to work, and I set up a savings plan.

Praise God! I love how things just fall into place when I'm trusting Him. It makes me wonder how there are still times when I doubt and worry.

Can These Bones Live?

Today I got fed up. I'd had enough. I've been home for three weeks waiting for some clarity for my situation. For those who don't know, I'm not driving right now and we live outside of town... so I can't get a job yet. But I haven't just been waiting. I KNOW there's some purpose to this difficult time. I know that I need to learn to appreciate my talents and use them, instead of thinking they're just hobbies. I need to become ME and not who I think I should be. So I've been working on that (my art, music and all things creative), and I've been working for my parents to give me something to do.

Today I got impatient. I started to feel like nothing... like the dirt in the corner of the shed behind a box of Reader's Digest condensed books or something. So, fool that I can be sometimes, I felt a bit sorry for myself and started worrying about my life. Jesus said we shouldn't do that, and I'm learning he was right (as always).

I prayed... or whined. I'm not sure which one. I did something that involved telling God that I've been home for three weeks, which clearly he already knew. And I told him it was such a long time and I still have no idea what to do and I feel like nothing (clearly I haven't learned the lesson I'm supposed to learn yet - see above). And as soon as I told God this, there was a picture in my mind of bones. I sat there confused, looking at the bones I was seeing in my mind and thought it didn't make any sense. But just as I started to think it didn't make any sense, I knew God was speaking to me, and I thought he probably wasn't telling me I was dead meat or anything like that... and I remembered that there was some famous story about bones in Ezekiel (I haven't read that book yet, so I looked it up). It's Ezekiel 37:1-14. Read it! Seriously, it's amazing. If you're reading this and you don't have a Bible, go to biblegateway.com to read it. I don't want to explain it because I won't do it justice.

I knew once I read it that God was trying to tell me it doesn't matter if I think I'm a pile of dirt, or a pile of bones in the backyard leftover from my cat's last meal.

These bones CAN live! My life is not as I see it in times of distress. It has potential. God sees it as a work in progress. He sees all of us that way. He sees so much more than the dry, lifeless bones. He doesn't even see a walking skeleton. He intends to do so much more with our lives when we let him, and I know he's working on me now. Where I am at this point is part of the process.

I would even go so far as to say that when we're feeling low, when we feel like nothing, God sees the end result. Because he cares so deeply for us, he sees the masterpiece - whatever it is he's creating with our lives, and he looks forward to it coming to pass. Maybe I should try to think more like that. Maybe even though I can't see exactly what it is he's doing, I should see a life full of meaning and purpose.

"Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live."

Observations

I was just having a little chat with my parents about God, as we do every now and then when we find ourselves gathered in the living room with the TV off and no one's doing anything else. Hmmm... was I born in the wrong century, or should this really be a common occurence?
Anyway, that's not the point of my post tonight.

We were talking about how people try to use reason to say that God doesn't exist or that Jesus isn't the Son of God, etc. Then I thought, with spiritual matters you could really argue any side you want to and it could make sense in your mind...

The spiritual cannot be proven. It really all comes down to what you WANT to believe in.

But then, when I think about what I want to believe in, I've observed that there are some really interesting and yet so simple facts that seem to support my beliefs... and yet I know they could be argued by those who want to argue it - any intelligent person who WANTS to believe there is no God can come up with a really smart sounding theory to counter such things as what I'm about to say. But as I said, it all comes down to what you want to believe. This is what I want to believe:

1. MORALITY. Where did we get our ideas of good moral behaviour if not from God? Why does it make us happy to treat others well, and why does it horrify us to hear of bad things being done to innocent children? Why does promiscuity hurt us psychologically? If your answer lies in sociology, it's flawed. Try to think back to the beginning. Where did humans get their ideas of morality in the first place?

2. THE GOSPEL. Jesus wasn't the only person that walked the earth and claimed to be the Messiah. In the book of Acts, the Jewish leaders mentioned that there had been "Christs" before Jesus and their message died out pretty quickly. You have to wonder how the son of a carpenter, a peaceful man with with no political power, a friend of outcasts, became known by millions around the world as Lord and Saviour.

3. SAUL. Saul was a Pharisee, a Jewish leader who was apparently pretty outraged by Christians spreading their message that this Jesus character was the Messiah. He was really against the whole thing but suddenly he had a vision and his life changed. Paul, as he was known from them on, became just like the crazies he hated! He didn't even care if he had to die for the message of Jesus. And he was a brilliant man whose insight into the mysteries of the gospel have had a huge impact on the church.

4. BEAUTY. Do you ever wonder why we react to it? Why should different shapes and colours around us make any difference if we are only made up of matter? Why does beauty make us happy? In fact, why does anything make us happy? Why do we have any emotion at all?

5. SCIENCE. This one I absolutely love to think about. If we didn't have science trying to explain everything (and often doing such a good job), if we didn't know so much of what we know about the way things work in our world... we wouldn't have so much to marvel at when we see miracles. Thanks to science getting better and better, miracles are more amazing than ever.

There are so many more things, but I'm not an apologist. I'm just a guy who appreciates what I consider to be evidence of the truth of my spiritual beliefs. Give me evidence to contradict it, and I'll simply say it's not valid... because this is truly what I believe, and none of us can really prove either side. That, to me, is a comforting thought.

Learning to Be

It's been years since my poetry was about beauty and not bitterness - so now I don't mind sharing. This is an expression of how I experienced God one evening and really appreciated what he's given us. I needed a touch from God so badly, and suddenly I felt his presence, then it was as if all the beauty around me jumped out at me, and God was saying, "Look at this! I made this for you!"

"Learning to Be"

I waited here to see you,
Certain you'd not disappoint.
And all the while my doubts and fears,
Overcame this heart of mine.

A wind, then, swept over me,
A voice echoed through me.
I knew somehow you'd come -
If I'd only just be still.

I saw you dancing with the trees,
Shining with the evening sun.
I almost cried for you,
Tears of utter joy and desire.

You saw my desperate longing,
And rushed by in the crystal stream.
My mind is overwhelmed now;
How powerless am I.

I saw you in the flowers,
Radiating life and joy.
I heard you in so many sounds.
Your voice so subtle and yet so loud.

Life was all around me then,
The truth I certainly cannot deny.
I've waited to see heaven,
And in this moment, heaven is here.