Letting Go

Normally I won't say what I'm about to say because if I made a habit of it, it would never end... but this time I need to make an exception. I just read a book that I highly recommend for everyone if you haven't read it already - The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. Incredible! I'm a pretty extreme book lover, and that's why I don't recommend all my books to everyone; I restrain myself so I don't start to annoy people with my recommendations.

Anyway, The Great Divorce is short and a very easy read (I say that because not everyone likes reading). But I really believe this book can be life changing. Well, at least attitude-changing. I suppose life-changing is a relative term anyway. My life is always changing and I hope that never stops... I also hope it's always changing for the better, little by little (and sometimes by leaps and bounds, God willing) until I get to heaven.

I never really thought much about how difficult it is for us to let go of ourselves, but this week I'm really getting a better sense of that and learning to recognize thought patterns that are unhealthy. Nothing I can say about what I've learned from C.S. Lewis will really do his book any justice... but I'm really finding a lot of freedom in the thought that nothing we have, and nothing about ourselves really means anything in comparison with the joy of the Lord. There's a real beauty in dying to ourselves.

As Christians we hear so much about dying to ourselves, but it means much more than what we sometimes think. It's not so simple. It means every thought, every attitude, every speck of everything about ourselves we think we need. In a free country, we are so concerned about our rights, our freedom, our individuality and so on. We want to stand out from the crowd, be unique, and we sometimes won't do the right thing because we "have too much self-respect" - just remember, Jesus washed the disciples' feet! The thought of Jesus doing that really puts a lot of us to shame with all our pride and our ideas of self-respect.
Yes, God has given us each a unique personality, but we don't have to try so hard - we don't need to be focused on who we are or the respect we deserve. When we learn to die to ourselves, take up our crosses and humbly follow Jesus, we give him permission to turn our lives and our personalities into something more beautiful than we could have imagined.

When we won't let go of ourselves for the sake of Christ, whatever part of us we insist on keeping eventually turns into something ugly. It contaminates us. C.S Lewis demonstrates in one very memorable part of his book how even love can become ugly if we won't surrender it to God, and make Him the most important part of our lives. If anyone comes before Him, then we do not allow ourselves to truly love. Real love comes from God. Without Him being first in our lives, we don't fully understand the concept.

Anything eternal comes from God. So many things that are so important to us now are going to vanish when we go home to be with God and I think that the more we let go of ourselves now, the more we will have of heaven and the less we will have of hell.

There's a line from a song by Jack Johnson that's been going through my head a lot. He didn't mean exactly the same thing because he was talking about his views of the impact TV has on society - but I feel like it's along the same lines. In this song he said, "If hell is what we want, then hell is what we'll have".

Victory in Jesus

As a person who has struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder (which I like to think of as a "type" not a "disorder"), I often struggle in my spiritual life as well, as I'm sure we all do in different ways. There are times when I think there is something seriously wrong, only to find out later when I think and pray about it that it was only a bad mood that I needed to wilfully change. This is something I'm learning to deal with, and I thank God that the worst of the struggle is over. The Lord has brought me through so much and has taught me how to deal with the psychological issues I've suffered with, and it's really amazing when I think of what would happen to me and how poorly I'd be dealing with my issues if it weren't for Him. Somehow I live a relatively normal life, without the help of medication or psychiatrists (two things that can do more harm than good).
Recently I started working, and work can cause a lot of anxiety for me. I do enjoy my job, but I tend to worry about time... even on weekends, the thought of having a certain amount of time before I have to go back to work can cause anxiety. This is probably very difficult to understand, so I won't try to explain further... I'll go on with my story.
So, on the weekend (after my first week back at work) I was having an awful time with my moods, and didn't go to my newphew's birthday party because I just wanted to be alone to sort things out (but also thinking about how much time I had)... so I stayed home and eventually decided to face whatever it was that was bothering me so much. This was sunday afternoon and all weekend I had thought there was something terribly wrong. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head all of a sudden about being a terrible person and about being an addict, and I had a lot of fear that I would end up wanting to go back to my old lifestyle and that sort of thing... again, wild thought processes that I barely understand myself, so I can't really explain.
I prayed a lot that day. I was at the point where I was determined to do something about my mood before I became self-destructive. And while I was in prayer, I sensed that the Lord was speaking to me about my mental turmoil... and he was saying that all I had to do was claim victory in His name. I never would have thought it was that simple, but as soon as God revealed this to me, I believed it and I claimed victory. It really was that simple. It just isn't God's will for me to feel the way I was feeling, and if I am willing to change the way I'm thinking, he'll always help me.
So, as simplistic as it may sound... I've decided to start claiming victory over ever negative thought, "taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ". (2 Cor. 10:5)
That day I claimed victory over all my negative thoughts and the change that immediately took place in me was miraculous. I haven't felt so much joy in a long time.
It definitely takes a lot of effort sometimes when we struggle with negativity, but God doesn't want us to stay in that kind of mindset. It is definitely possible to change. PRAISE GOD!

Between the Lines

When you're always trying to read between the lines, too often you miss what's on the lines.

So often we get caught between the lines, reading imaginary words, causing us to miss what's really there and to worry about what may or may not be there.

How often when speaking to others do we purposely put things between the lines? I wish I didn't do that. If I never did that, people who know me well would always take my words at face value. I believe that by the grace of God it's possible... but it's not easy. I do write between the lines and I do read between the lines.

I'm tired of being between the lines.

Love Like a Child

So, I'm thinking about love today... and yesterday... well, probably for a few days. I don't know, but that's what's on my mind and I realize that's just something that is fundamental to the Christian faith, but I think it's something we have a hard time with. I can't speak for everyone, but I'm not naturally a loving person. It takes effort. But I used to be really loving...

... Then I grew up. Why does that always have to happen? Anyway, society taught me some very sad lessons:
1. Not everyone is good.
2. Not everyone deserves kindness.
3. If you're really poor and you're not a university student, you're worthless.

Then I grew up some more and realized I still want to love people. I want to believe that everyone deserves kindness. Jesus didn't stick his nose in the air if he was approached by a beggar or a prostitute or a murderer. He healed them, he loved them and he forgave them.

When Jesus told the disciples to let the children come to him he said, "the kingdom of God belongs to such as these" then he went on to say that we need to receive the kingdom of God like children. We speak of 'faith like a child', and I'm sure that's part of it. But what about loving like children? I think the love of children is a pure and innocent love that doesn't judge. My heart breaks when I think of all the people who are not shown love by Christians because they're just 'not good people'. And we act as if civility is good enough... Let's give people more credit than that! If we are just civil because we don't want to show our disdain, we are doing wrong. Anyone can detect when you have an air of superiority, and it's highly offensive. Don't think manners can mask it.

In Bible college, I got talking to some people about this one day, and one of my friends said she'd have trouble showing love to a murderer... but she wasn't saying it like it was a confession. It wasn't like, "I have trouble with this and I know it's wrong". It was more like, "That's where I draw the line." And I was so saddened by it. I've never forgotten that moment because this girl I really respected for her deep faith in Jesus was forgetting how deep his love is! Maybe it really hit me because I'd just read Crime and Punishment. I know I am also guilty of forgetting how deep the love of God is.

I've been really heartbroken lately over things I've read about other places in the world. There is so much need, and it's more than just the fact that people are poor and starving. There's so much hate in the world, and I want no part of it except to help people see that there's a better way. But as I think about it now, I'm thinking of all the need in our own country, and all the people I saw when I lived in the city who need love. I never stop and talk to people who are begging on the street. How much difference does a bit of change make? A lot of them spend it on things that are killing them. But I wonder if I could make a difference in someone's life by stopping for a couple minutes and having a conversation. I wonder what could happen if each time I stop to give someone change I also treat them with the respect they deserve as human beings, so they know that I don't think I'm above them, even so that I understand I'm not above them. ... I want to be like Jesus and act like I'm just another person in their midst.

But I'm not Jesus - How is it that I act like I'm better than others, and HE didn't??? If only I could fully grasp the concept that I am just another person in the midst of all others who deserve love...

... Let's love like children. Let's love like we mean it!